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Ah, the people pleasers. Moms sometimes make the best ones because it ingrained in us to take care of others. What we don’t realize it that there is slippery slop between taking care of our family and trying to please everyone. The question becomes how moms can stop being people pleasers.

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Unsurprisingly, people pleasing comes from not having strong boundaries and self identity. You try to please others for the kudos or likability that will come from it. That is how you know that your identity is being defined by others instead of from within.

Stop giving that power to someone else. If you always look to others for validation that you are worthy, lovable, and valuable you will live in a state of perpetual disappointment. If you haven’t already read How to Love Yourself First and How to Set and Protect Boundaries as a Mom, I highly recommend you go back and read them. These concepts all build on top of each other and you can’t solve one without solving the others.

Common People-Pleasing Traits of Moms

There are multiple traits to look out for if you believe you are, or are in danger of becoming, a people pleaser. You can read more about them all here. For the purposes for this article, I want to call attention to a few of the traits and how they manifest specifically for moms.

Apologizing a Lot

This is one we do all too often. We apologize for things that we literally have zero control over. Has your child ever come to you complaining that they don’t feel good? What is your first response? “Oh, honey, I’m sorry.” It is a situation that you didn’t cause and that you are likely even trying to fix for them, but yet we say we’re sorry.

We qualify it in our mind that we’re “sorry they feel that way” but that is not the message we are sending. Try replacing that with, “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?” This still conveys our love and empathy without assigning any ‘blame’. Other common examples include:

I’m sorry we can’t hang out, the kids have soccer games, hubs is working overtime… etcetera etcetera.
I’m sorry I didn’t get the house cleaned today. The kids were being wild and crazy all day long.
I’m sorry we can’t do dinner tonight because it’s a school night.

In all of these examples, does the message not get across if you take out the words, “I’m sorry,”? No. Furthermore, you shouldn’t be sorry. This goes back to maintaining your boundaries. Even if your friends don’t agree with your boundary on not going out to dinner on a school night, they still need to respect it. It is nothing to apologize for.

You Can’t Say No

This is another red flag that moms fall prey to and again, it goes back to boundaries. When you don’t have any boundaries, it feels impossible to say no even when you want to. Here are just a few examples this occurs in mom life:

You agree to attend an event that you don’t want to go to, sometimes making an excuse to not attend later.
You join the PTA because you’re a SAHM and you feel guilty saying no.
A friend asks you to make all of the decorations for their child’s party and you agree even though you don’t want to do it.

All of these examples have one thing in common. You didn’t want to do them. There is nothing wrong with joining the PTA at your child’s school. It’s great but only if you truly want to do it. If you don’t actually have the time or energy, you end up more stressed, drained, and overwhelmed.

The same goes for making birthday decorations. If you love being crafty and doing that kind of stuff for fun (and have the time available to complete it), awesome! If you only agree to it because you ‘feel like you should’ it will have the same damaging effects.

Not Speaking Up When You Feel Hurt

Another trait of people pleasers is that they don’t speak up when they’ve been hurt. That’s because they are not strong enough in their identity to feel valid in their emotions. Your emotions are there for a reason. Love yourself enough to trust in them. Some examples might be:

Your friend criticizes your new makeup even though you love it but you don’t say anything.
Hubs gets an invite to go to a concert with friends and asks to reschedule date night and you say, “Yeah, sure.”

Neither of these incidents need to get turned into a fight but you can still vocalize your feelings. For instance, you can respond to your friend that you love your new look and that it hurts when she criticizes it.

Let your husband know that it makes you feel like you aren’t a priority when he cancels plans with you to hang out with friends. If your friend or husband continue to do these things after you have explicitly stated how they make you feel, then ask yourself, who’s really the jerk in that situation.

Note:

Again, this applies only if you feel hurt and don’t vocalize it. If you don’t care what your friend thinks of your makeup and it’s no skin off your nose, by all means, ignore it. If your husband cancels date night, and you’re like, “Sweet, I can binge watch some Buffy in my sweats,” then no big. It is about knowing yourself and your boundaries well enough to make that distinction.

How Moms Can Stop Being People Pleasers

All of these examples are great, but how do you actually stop being a people pleaser? You start by building the foundation of self esteem and self love that you have lost. That’s where this all builds from. Of course, that’s not the only step but it is arguably the most important. Here are the steps to take to stop being a people pleaser:

Start with Knowing Yourself

I say this a lot because it’s such a good analogy but, calling a minivan a sports car doesn’t make it so. That is the epitome of where you need to get with knowing yourself. (Read How to Love Yourself First)

Set Clear Boundaries and Enforce Them

Once you know and love yourself, it is much easier to set strong boundaries in all areas of your life. (Read How to Set and Protect Boundaries as a Mom)

Learn to Say No With Grace

Learning to say no when you’ve said yes for so long definitely takes practice. That’s why I love Spiritualish podcast episode 14. They give you word for word scripts to use in a myriad of situations. All of them are respectful and clear.

Don’t Give Excuses

First of all, giving excuses tells the other person and your subconscious that you feel you need one. Furthmore, it give people ammo to try and change your mind. “As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person lots of wiggle room to come back and say, ‘Oh, you can do that later,’ ‘You can adjust your schedule’ or ‘That’s not as important as what I’m asking.’” (Source)

It is important for us to learn how moms can stop being people pleasers because it helps us stick to the truth of being caregivers without giving up the power over our identity. It is for you alone to decide your worth, happiness, and value. Instead of being afraid of that, revel in it.

Where else in the universe is somethings value not determined by outside sources? No where. People determine the value of books, food, gemstones, nature, and more but no one determines your value. That can only come from within and when you think about it that way, it’s pretty awesome.

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How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

Boundaries are the key to a strong identity. As hard as it is to own up to, a lack of boundaries is what got you to this place to begin with. That’s the half empty. Luckily, you can learn how to set and protect boundaries as a mom for a happier, less-stressful life.

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[bctt tweet=”It is to own up to a lack of boundaries. Luckily, you can learn how to set and protect boundaries as a mom for a happier, less-stressful life.” username=”diyadulation”]

I have never had strong, healthy boundaries in place in my life (until now, that is). That comes from a few places. One, I had zero self-esteem growing up. Despite my many achievements and adventures, I never believed that I was worthy and valued.

In addition to that, I had never seen strong boundaries exercised by others. I grew up in an abusive home where the only boundary was trying not to make my dad angry. Yikes!

This pattern had continued into my adult relationships with friends, boyfriends, and even my family. A lack of boundaries has a negative impact on every area of your life. (Read more here.)Your relationships suffer, your finances are impacted negatively, and your stress levels are increased just to name a few.

To break this pattern and improve your life, it is time to set boundaries that direct your decisions and actions with purpose. Pull out your journal and let’s get to work.

Look at Boundaries You Already Have (or Should Have)

Are there any areas of your life that you have strong, healthy boundaries? For example, would you immediately shutdown a stranger who tried to kiss you on the mouth? Now think about if that has ever happened with a friend or coworker of your husband. The response should be the same but it not always is.

This is an extreme example to illustrate the point. There are much subtler ways that you allow your boundaries to be changed and compromised in your day-to-day life. Every time you don’t get a shower because the kids are being wild and crazy, you are saying that your self-care boundary is negotiable and unimportant. When you repeatedly let your husband reschedule date night so that he can hang out with friends, you are saying that your time boundary isn’t concrete.

I love this quote from this article because it sums it up so succinctly. “In general, the key to setting boundaries is first figuring out what one wants from their various relationships, setting boundaries based on these desires, and then being clear with oneself and with other people about these boundaries.” (Source)

Set New Boundaries

As I said above, we got in this place because we didn’t have healthy boundaries in place. No one loses themselves by valuing and prioritizing their time, space, and needs. More importantly, when you don’t have boundaries in place, it points at a deeper loss of identity and self-respect. Use these tips to free yourself and set boundaries:

Keep the Focus on Yourself

No one can determine your boundaries for you just as you can’t force people to respect them. However, when expressing them to people, it is important to keep the focus on yourself. For example, instead of saying “You need to stop calling me during dinner,” focus it on your boundaries by saying “I need to focus on my family at dinner and do not want to receive calls.” This keeps the focus on you and your needs.

Don’t Over-explain Your Reasons

For starters, this conveys that you feel you need an excuse for your boundaries and you don’t. Again, no one can determine your boundaries except you and no one can tell you they are wrong. You know what works best for you. In addition to that, “you are not responsible for the feelings, actions, and beliefs of others, or for the way they react to the boundaries you’ve set.” (Source)

Determine Consequences

Before you start determining consequences, it’s important to note that not all boundaries have consequences that you need to convey. For instance, in the example above about phone calls during dinner, after you have told your friend about your boundaries, simply stop answering the phone during dinner. Eventually, your friend will stop calling during that time because she knows she won’t be able to reach you.

Some boundaries do require strict consequences. For example, you should flat-out tell a friend that keeps inappropriately flirting with you that you refuse to stay in a relationship with someone who does not respect your boundaries. In that situation, you need to be willing to follow through on the consequences you set.

Types of Mom Boundaries

There are typically 6 types of boundaries you can have. They are physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, material, and time. Check out the free worksheet at the bottom of this article to read more about the different types, but here are common boundaries (or ways they are broken) as they apply specifically to mom life.

Physical

Kids are not allowed in your bedroom without knocking first.
After the kids go to bed, you need time to decompress before your husbands tries to snuggle you.
Family and friends do not rummage through your craft room without your permission.

Intellectual

If you and a friend or family member have different political views, respecting each other’s opinion (as in, not shaming or put-downs) without agreeing.
Any time someone belittles your beliefs. For example, you believe that the car should always be locked, even when it’s stored in the garage and your husband/mom/friend says, “That’s ridiculous. It doesn’t matter if it is in a locked garage.”

Emotional

Gradually sharing intimate details about your life as a friendship grows and progresses.
Being able to voice your feelings when someone hurts you.
Not divulging details about your sex life with friends or family members.

Sexual

Not having sex when you do not feel in the emotional head space to do so.
Safely and confidently vocalizing physical acts that are off limits during intimacy.

Material

Choosing not to loan books to friends.
Having dinner at home instead of spending money out to eat with friends.
Paying off debt instead of taking a cruise with your family.

Time

Choosing not to be a room mom in your child’s classroom because you need that time during the day to recharge.
Allowing your child attend only the birthday parties of his friends, not every classmate’s invitation that comes home.
Setting aside 20 minutes every evening to read alone in your bed without distractions.

More On Time Boundaries

This is one of the slipperiest boundaries when it comes to SAHM life. Societal and personal beliefs tell you that because you “just stay at home” that your time is not as valuable as other people’s time. This is not true and I cannot stress that enough.

It got to a point in my life that any time someone needed a ride from the airport in the middle of the day, got a package delivered and it was raining, or any other number of things, I was called and expected to do it. Why? Because I wasn’t at work so I must be available. What’s worse, I usually did whatever was requested of me. This meant that the behaviors continued happening because I didn’t set healthy boundaries.

Your Time is Valuable

Staying home with your kids does not mean that your time isn’t valuable. If you are trying to get costumes made for your kids and a friend calls wanting to go to the park, it is okay to say no. That doesn’t mean you’re being selfish, a bad friend, or a bad mom. It means you are protecting your boundaries and completing the task you need to get done.

Furthermore, if that same friend calls and you have nothing going on but you don’t want to leave the house that day. It is still 100% acceptable to say no. That is the importance of boundaries. They will let you know when you are doing something because you want to or because you feel like you have to.

Enforcing Your Boundaries

It is not enough to set boundaries and expect people to maintain them. In fact, it is human nature to test boundaries, especially when they are brand new. Think of it in the scope of your children. If you tell your child that they don’t get dessert unless they finish their dinner, they will try to push that boundary. If often comes in the form of bargaining, such as “What if I eat 5 bites of my dinner. Then can I have dessert?” If you agree to this, then you’ve just negated the boundary.

That means that when you tell your friends you can’t go out to eat with them because you’re saving money for a new car, they will come back at you with, “Okay, we’ll go somewhere cheaper to eat.” It’s human nature. In these moments it is important to solidify your boundaries. Make it clear that you are not spending any money on such things because of your overarching goal. If you still want to spend time together simply not in that setting, invite them over for a game night or coffee.

Caveat

While it is human nature to try to push boundaries, people who mistreat you, refuse to respect your wishes, and have no intention of changing need to go. (Read more about that here.)These are not people you need in your life and you should run, not walk, away from them.

Learning how to set and protect boundaries as a mom gets easier with practice. Because you have gone without clear boundaries for so long, expect some initial push back from your friends and family. After you consistently maintain your boundaries, that push back will subside.

Remember that the key to strong, healthy boundaries is ultimately a strong identity. You cannot have one without the other. A minivan does not become a sports car just because someone says it is. When you remember who you are at your core, your boundaries are easier to enforce because they align with that.

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Do you feel like at the end of the day you accomplished nothing that you wanted to? Have you ever thought, “Why do these things keep happening to me?” If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, you are living reactively. Today is the day you stop reacting to life and live proactive.

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[bctt tweet=”It sounds oversimplified to say stop reacting to life and live proactive but the concept to improving yourself is truly that simple!” username=”diyadulation”]

Admittedly, this is a pet peeve of mine. The people who sit around wondering why bad things keep happening to them. They wonder why the bank account is overdrawn again or blame their boss for their getting fired. The one thing they have in common? It’s never their fault.

Life just happens to them. Their account go overdrawn because the bank didn’t update their account balance correctly at the ATM. They got fired because their boss hated them.

Luckily, I know that’s not you because you’ve already worked on taking personal responsibility. However, there are sneakier ways that moms let reactive living creep into their lives.

Sneaky Reactive Living

We all have bad days when the kids don’t let us have a moment’s peace, but how many days in a row has that prevented you from completing a task you really wanted to get done.

How many times have you “lost track” of time and forgotten dinner until it’s too late to cook so you order out?

If these sound familiar, you are not alone. I’ve been right there with you. The problem is that reactive living robs you have your happiness. You feel like your life is chaotic and you have no control. At some point you have to decide that you’ve had enough and you’re ready to boss your day around like the awesome and powerful mom that you are.

Setting Goals

That first step in proactive living is setting your goals. Admittedly this is my favorite part of life. Why? Because it allows you to really dream big. None of your ultimate goals have to be scaled down or cast aside. The sky is the limit when it comes to goals.

It’s not enough to simply think about them. You need to take out your journal and write them down. What does your dream day look like? Would you love to have a house that’s always clean? Dinner is always on the table by 6 pm and your entire family sits down to eat together. You have a brand new mansion in Malibu with both an indoor and an outdoor pool that you can spend everyday by.

Whatever that goal is, write it down. Be as descriptive as possible and include everything you can think of. Seriously, dream big here.

Break Those Goals Down

Once you know what your big goal is, you have to break it down into smaller goals. If you want a brand new mansion in Malibu but you’re living as a single-income family, you are going to have to find ways to increase your income. This could mean starting your own business, taking a part-time job, or other ways of making more money.

Of course, if your goals are smaller right now, that’s totally fine too. For example, all I want right now if for my house to always be clean. That doesn’t sound glamorous but it does so much for my well-being and eases my stress levels greatly. It’s simply what I want.

Start with Big Chunks

For example, a clean house means that:

I have to get it completely clean first.
Then I have to keep it clean.

How Do You Complete Those Chunks

Once you have your big chunks defined, it’s time to break them down even further. How do I completely clean the house?

I clean each room, one at a time and purge any items I don’t use or need.

Okay, my house is clean. How do I keep it clean?

I create systems and routines that consistently clean and organize my home.

Schedule Your Day

Admittedly, above I over-simplified the goals to give you an example. Some will have many big chunks with even more smaller chunks under them, but you get the picture. After you have those smaller chunks, use them as guideposts to plan your day. Determine everything you need to do each day. This is not limited to the actions that will help you achieve your goals. It also includes daily tasks such as making dinner, reading the kids to sleep, or packing lunches in the morning. Don’t leave anything out, no matter how small it may seem.

Get tips for scheduling your day here.

Write It Down

After you know exactly what you need to accomplish, put it on paper. I love a planner for this but you can also use an hourly to-do list or a dry erase board. Use what works for you. Plan out each day the night before or once a week on a specific day. Then treat that list as non-negotiable. For example, there are some days when tackling another room of my house sounds absolutely horrible, but if it’s on my list, I simply have to buck up and do it. This keeps me accountable and when I try to talk myself out of it, essentially, I’m saying that my goals and dreams aren’t important enough.

Expand to All Areas of Life

Once you begin to master living proactive in your daily life, start to expand it to all areas of your life. Set a budget or financial goal then make a plan to bring it to fruition. Create an awesome fitness goal and break it down into smaller, manageable steps. Any area of your life where you want to live proactive, follow these steps. Stop letting life just happen. Take control of it.

It may sound oversimplified to say stop reacting to life and live proactive but the concept is truly that simple. That doesn’t mean it isn’t going to take a lot of hard work to get there. When you commit to truly improving yourself and your life, it’s a one-two-three step. You’ve done the hardest part and made the decision to change. Now it’s time to put it into practice in your daily life and watch a life you love begin to emerge and grow.

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