How Moms Can Stop Being People Pleasers

Ah, the people pleasers. Moms sometimes make the best ones because it ingrained in us to take care of others. What we don’t realize it that there is slippery slop between taking care of our family and trying to please everyone. The question becomes how moms can stop being people pleasers.

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Learn how moms can stop being people pleasers. That's how you stick to the truth of being a caregiver without giving up the power over your identity! Click To Tweet

Unsurprisingly, people pleasing comes from not having strong boundaries and self identity. You try to please others for the kudos or likability that will come from it. That is how you know that your identity is being defined by others instead of from within.

Stop giving that power to someone else. If you always look to others for validation that you are worthy, lovable, and valuable you will live in a state of perpetual disappointment. If you haven’t already read How to Love Yourself First and How to Set and Protect Boundaries as a Mom, I highly recommend you go back and read them. These concepts all build on top of each other and you can’t solve one without solving the others.


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Common People-Pleasing Traits of Moms

There are multiple traits to look out for if you believe you are, or are in danger of becoming, a people pleaser. You can read more about them all here. For the purposes for this article, I want to call attention to a few of the traits and how they manifest specifically for moms.


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Apologizing a Lot

This is one we do all too often. We apologize for things that we literally have zero control over. Has your child ever come to you complaining that they don’t feel good? What is your first response? “Oh, honey, I’m sorry.” It is a situation that you didn’t cause and that you are likely even trying to fix for them, but yet we say we’re sorry.

We qualify it in our mind that we’re “sorry they feel that way” but that is not the message we are sending. Try replacing that with, “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?” This still conveys our love and empathy without assigning any ‘blame’. Other common examples include:

In all of these examples, does the message not get across if you take out the words, “I’m sorry,”? No. Furthermore, you shouldn’t be sorry. This goes back to maintaining your boundaries. Even if your friends don’t agree with your boundary on not going out to dinner on a school night, they still need to respect it. It is nothing to apologize for.

You Can’t Say No

This is another red flag that moms fall prey to and again, it goes back to boundaries. When you don’t have any boundaries, it feels impossible to say no even when you want to. Here are just a few examples this occurs in mom life:

All of these examples have one thing in common. You didn’t want to do them. There is nothing wrong with joining the PTA at your child’s school. It’s great but only if you truly want to do it. If you don’t actually have the time or energy, you end up more stressed, drained, and overwhelmed.

The same goes for making birthday decorations. If you love being crafty and doing that kind of stuff for fun (and have the time available to complete it), awesome! If you only agree to it because you ‘feel like you should’ it will have the same damaging effects.


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Not Speaking Up When You Feel Hurt

Another trait of people pleasers is that they don’t speak up when they’ve been hurt. That’s because they are not strong enough in their identity to feel valid in their emotions. Your emotions are there for a reason. Love yourself enough to trust in them. Some examples might be:

Neither of these incidents need to get turned into a fight but you can still vocalize your feelings. For instance, you can respond to your friend that you love your new look and that it hurts when she criticizes it.

Let your husband know that it makes you feel like you aren’t a priority when he cancels plans with you to hang out with friends. If your friend or husband continue to do these things after you have explicitly stated how they make you feel, then ask yourself, who’s really the jerk in that situation.



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How Moms Can Stop Being People Pleasers

All of these examples are great, but how do you actually stop being a people pleaser? You start by building the foundation of self esteem and self love that you have lost. That’s where this all builds from. Of course, that’s not the only step but it is arguably the most important. Here are the steps to take to stop being a people pleaser:

Start with Knowing Yourself

I say this a lot because it’s such a good analogy but, calling a minivan a sports car doesn’t make it so. That is the epitome of where you need to get with knowing yourself. (Read How to Love Yourself First)

Set Clear Boundaries and Enforce Them

Once you know and love yourself, it is much easier to set strong boundaries in all areas of your life. (Read How to Set and Protect Boundaries as a Mom)

Learn to Say No With Grace

Learning to say no when you’ve said yes for so long definitely takes practice. That’s why I love Spiritualish podcast episode 14. They give you word for word scripts to use in a myriad of situations. All of them are respectful and clear.

Don’t Give Excuses

First of all, giving excuses tells the other person and your subconscious that you feel you need one. Furthmore, it give people ammo to try and change your mind. “As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person lots of wiggle room to come back and say, ‘Oh, you can do that later,’ ‘You can adjust your schedule’ or ‘That’s not as important as what I’m asking.’” (Source)


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It is important for us to learn how moms can stop being people pleasers because it helps us stick to the truth of being caregivers without giving up the power over our identity. It is for you alone to decide your worth, happiness, and value. Instead of being afraid of that, revel in it.

Where else in the universe is somethings value not determined by outside sources? No where. People determine the value of books, food, gemstones, nature, and more but no one determines your value. That can only come from within and when you think about it that way, it’s pretty awesome.

See where I’m linking up!

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How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

  1. Introduction
  2. Why All Moms Need a Journal
  3. Determine Your Why for Self Discovery
  4. Find Your Cheerleaders
  5. DIY Positive Affirmation Cards
  6. Create Your SAHM Hierarchy of Needs
  7. The Hard Truth About Carving Out Me Time
  8. 5 Awesome Podcasts to Inspire Self Discovery
  9. How to Love Yourself First
  10. Stop Reacting to Life and Live Proactive
  11. How to Set and Protect Boundaries as a Mom
  12. How Moms Can Stop Being People Pleasers
  13. Why It’s Okay to Outgrow Relationships
  14. It’s Time to Break-up with Yourself
  15. Create a Mini Mom Oasis for Recharging
  16. Why Moms Should Date Themselves + How to Do It
  17. How to Get Your Free Time Back as a SAHM
  18. Turn Someday into Today
  19. Why You Should Throw Out Your Clothes
  20. Rediscover Your Old Hobbies
  21. How to Find New Hobbies You Love
  22. How to Create a Daily Self Care Routine
  23. Shut Down Your Negative Self Talk
  24. How a Haircut Can Help You Find Yourself
  25. Make a Bucket List You’ll Actually Complete
  26. Unique Alternative Ideas to Help You Find Yourself
  27. Why SAHM Need to Unplug Weekly
  28. 10 Mom Date Ideas You Can Do at Home
  29. 10 Mom Date Ideas to Get Out of the House
  30. Embracing Your Weird as a Mom
  31. How to Practice Mindful Reflection