Can you sit there and truly say, “I love myself” without any caveats? If not, don’t feel bad. Not many SAHM can. Typically the statement goes more like, I love my kids, I love my family, I love my house… no self-love. Loving your family and your life are important, but you can’t know how powerful that love can really be until you find out how to love yourself first.

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[bctt tweet=”Stop taking the negative comments and put-downs as the value of your worth. Learn how to love yourself first and that no one else defines your worth!” username=”diyadulation”]

For a very long time, I didn’t love myself. I still struggle with self-love. Why? Because it’s not something that’s programmed into me. I have taken the years of negative comments, put-downs, and hatred as the value of my worth instead of realizing that no one else defines my worth but me.

Additionally, I didn’t realize that those few who spread that negativity around are truly the ones lacking. I live my life trying to be kind and life other people up. It’s an important core value. The people slinging insults and put-downs at me are saying something much more telling of their character than mine.

Minivan Analogy

So why does it affect us so much? I believe it is because we’ve never taken the time to discover our truth and take personal responsibility for our lives. If someone tells me that my minivan is a sports car, I wouldn’t take it personally or question whether or not my van is a sports car. No, I’d simply think, “Okay, you have fun believing that,” and go about my life.

Why? Because I know that my vehicle is, in fact, a black minivan and no amount of telling me otherwise will make it less true.

Imagine having that same confidence in your sense of self. The confidence of knowing your worth and your ownership no matter what others say to the contrary. That’s pretty powerful and it starts with personal responsibility.

Taking an Inventory of Wrongs

This is the first step to truly freeing yourself. Pull out your journal and write down every instance you can think of where someone wronged you. This can be a long or as short as you want. I do believe that if it is an experience or animosity that still tightens your stomach to this day, it definitely should go on the list.

Please note that this is not my original idea. It is something that is done at Al Anon to help family members. I was first exposed to it on Kate Anthony’s podcast, The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast. I cannot recommend enough that you listen to the episode about personal responsibility. Her example for this is truly brilliant and inspiring.

Own Your Part

After you have your list of wrongs, it’s time to think about what role you played in those events. Again, if you are struggling with this I totally recommend you listen to Kate’s podcast episode. After listening you’ll be convinced that if she can do it, anyone can.

Here are some examples from my own life to help you out, too:

Wrong:

When my parents got divorced, my mom started going out and partying a lot. I felt abandoned and unloved.

My Responsibility:

I never articulated these feelings to her at the time. I was angry, hurt, and depressed that she didn’t just know how much pain I was in. In addition to that, I also didn’t take any time or energy to think about it from her point of view.

Wrong:

I was once drugged and raped at a party.

My Responsibility:

I did not know the guy I went to the party with (he was a friend of a friend) and I didn’t know anyone at the party. I should not have even gone, let alone had anything to drink.

Note:

I want you to know that in this process, you are not absolving the people who hurt you of any wrongdoing. In my second example, that boy 100% committed a crime and it was/is not okay. However, I am also not without fault in the situation. That is the point you’re trying to get to with this exercise.

Determine Your Own Definition

Once you can honestly identify your personal responsibility in your life, you feel empowered. It truly sets you free so that you can define your own self-worth and do it with love and acceptance. Not one of us is perfect, but you always know when you’re being true to your core.

Take a moment to write down a glowing description of yourself. It can only be positive. Find at least one physical, personality, and cultural trait that you truly love about yourself without caveats. This is the time for self adulation because guess what: none of those things that have happened to you define you. They only served to shape you and to teach you. A life without mistakes isn’t a life.

As you go through the journey of rediscovery after marriage and motherhood, go back and add to your definition. Continue to add to it as you learn more about yourself. Use it as your tangible guide for how to love yourself first. Know that you are smart, funny, strong, powerful, independent, and capable no matter what anyone else tells you.

Calling a minivan a sports car doesn’t make it true and someone telling you that you’re something you’re not is the same way. As with all things, this strength, fortitude, and self love get stronger with practice. Know your truth and let go of your past.

See where I’m linking up!

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How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

Some days you wake up ready to take on the world. Most days, however, you likely are just trying to get through the day. On those days, working on yourself and your well-being is the farthest thing from your mind. Keep it a priority with these 5 awesome podcasts to inspire self discovery.

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[bctt tweet=”Easily work on your self improvement daily. Slip on some headphones and listen to one of these 5 awesome podcasts to inspire self discovery!” username=”diyadulation”]

I didn’t get on the podcast band wagon until last year. People would talk about them and I’d simply smile and nod my head thinking, “Oh yeah… people sitting around talking? Sounds like a blast.” *insert internal eye roll here*

Once I started listening, I dipped my toe in slowly. It started with Dave Ramsey. If you have ever looked at his podcast, then you know that there are literally enough episodes to keep you busy for years. After a while, though, I found that people often called in with the same questions and problems. His answers are unwavering, which is great for consistency, not so much for keeping me engaged.

That’s when I started actively seeking out more. I had developed a habit of listening to podcasts while cooking and cleaning to help make the tasks easier.

Now, I listen to podcasts in all kinds of genres but my favorites are always the ones that inspire action or reflection on my part. In fact, I keep a small notebook and pen handy while listening so I can jot down ideas that really resonate with me. I totally recommend you do too, especially when it comes to self discovery.

Shailey & Katie’s Lemonade Stand

These honest and hilarious ladies cover parenthood, organization, self-confidence and more. Pretty much everything that makes moms tick is on here and they will help you delve into it all.

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

59, 6, 93

Do It Scared with Ruth Soukup

This podcast focusing on pushing you to “Do It Scared” because that is the only way to truly grow. She covers topics such as body image, goal setting, and finding a why that’s bigger than your fear. Each one will inspire you to take the next step and go after your dreams.

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

25, 18, 3

Spiritual-ish

What I love about this podcast is that they tackle some seriously tough issues. They dove deep on a series about boundaries and they also talk about “societal taboo” topics like codependency and addiction. To date, my favorite episode gives you word-for-word scripts about how to say no with grace and finality (something I think every mom needs).

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

15, 19, 14

Project Life Mastery Podcast

I am going to let you know straight-forward, I do not agree with his, or his girlfriend’s, views on everything. Sometimes they get too stuck in their own world to realize that what works for them in business, life, and as a couple simply does not (and should not) apply to everyone. That being said, I also think this one is worth listening to. He has a very direct go-after-your-goals energy that can give you the kick in the pants you need when you’re wallowing. I also agree with the attitude he has about constant self-improvement and trying to be better.

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

596, 608

Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

Say what? How does a podcast about divorce survival end up on this list? I stumbled upon this one by happenstance, but I have to say that after listening to it, I’m hooked. Yes, she talks about topics that frequently pertain to divorce but the advice she gives is important for every woman. Through the unique experience of her own divorce, she has insightful tips on personal responsibility, self-awareness, and improvement that you need to hear.

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

Guest Episode: Lyena Strelkoff, Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!, The Power of Personal Responsibility (which I reference later in this series)

There are many more out there but these 5 awesome podcasts to inspire self discovery are the perfect place to start. Slip on some headphones and listen to one while you clean your house. This is my favorite time to listen because I get so involved it doesn’t even feel like I’m cleaning (which I hate doing). If you have an android phone like I do, I love using Podcast Go to listen to my faves. It’s totally free and alerts me when new episodes are added.

See where I’m linking up!

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How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

Your days are filled. You have countless chores, errands, and care-giving to attend to constantly. You’re a stay-at-home mom. It’s your job. That’s why this is going to rock your world. It’s the hard truth about carving out me time.

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[bctt tweet=”Your days are filled with countless chores, errands, and care-giving to attend to. That’s why you need to hear the hard truth about carving out me time.” username=”diyadulation”]

Carving literally means to cut, whether that be to shape, design, or mold. Here’s the hard truth about carving out me time: It means cutting something else from your day.

When your days are already filled to capacity, making time for yourself inevitably means something else has to go. Luckily, you are the designer of your life so you get to choose where to make cuts.

Eye-Opening Experience

I recently had a conversation with my 9 year old son that totally rocked my world. I made the comment that I didn’t stop at the book store while we were out because he wasn’t feeling well. He then turned to me and said, “You could have gone. I would have dealt with it so you could look at books.”

This led us down a path of discussion about how important it is to take care of yourself before trying to take care of others. I tried using the example that if you consistently put others ahead of yourself, the depletion of your own health and wellness could ultimately lead to getting very sick or even death. His response chilled me:

“Yeah, but you would die being a good person and caring about other people.”

Let that sink in. My son thought that dying to take care of others is noble, even something to aspire to. Do you know why? He believes that because it is exactly what I have modeled for him his entire life. When he sees me giving everything I have everyday and not taking time for me, he believes that is the correct way to live.

Simple Analogy for Self Care

After I picked my jaw off of the floor, I explained to him that I hadn’t been a very good role model. I tried explaining the specific ways in which I’m attempting to be better but he still wasn’t quite getting it. 9 years of internal foundations isn’t easy to let go of. That’s when I switched tactics.

We are both incredibly frugal and financially minded. I used this to my advantage with this example:

Say that you have $800 in your bank account and that is all you have. Your mortgage of $800 is due right now. On the way to the bank to pay it, you meet a charitable organization that says they are $800 away from being able to feed all of the homeless children. Would you pay your mortgage and keep a roof over your family or give the money away to the charity?

Admittedly, that’s an incredibly noble cause. All of the homeless children getting a meal, right? However, do you condemn your own family to do it?

This made sense to him and he immediately agreed that he would pay his mortgage, then figure out another way to help the homeless children.

What Are You Modeling

The quickest way to make a mom open up her eyes is to show her the harmful lessons her children are learning. Are you teaching your children the same that I was? Self-sacrificing everything for your family, friends, and community seems like the “right” thing to do. But when you turn that mirror around and see your children valuing the health and happiness of all other above their own, we can see the true detriment of it.

Luckily, your children still have you making sure that their needs are met on a daily basis. But what happens when they fly the nest and no longer have that? They are going to choose friends and partners that consistently take their energy and their time. These friends and partners may not even start out selfishly taking without giving in return, but your children will train them that it’s okay to treat them that way.

Is that the life you want for your kids? It certainly isn’t what I want for mine.

Carving Out Me Time

To reverse this belief, let your kids see you making your health and well-being a priority on a regular basis. It can be as little as getting up 15 minutes earlier to enjoy a cup of coffee in peace. You can also choose to read a book after dinner alone in your room for 20 minutes while they play.

Yes, in the first example you are carving out some of your sleep time and in the second it might mean staying up later to clean up. That’s where “carving out” comes into play. Something has to go to make room for your self care.

Here’s the best part, though. As you continue to do this, it gets easier. You will be more mindful about scheduling your time and your days to accommodate these small rituals. It is only hard in the interim because you are establishing new routines. More importantly, you are teaching your children the importance of taking care of their health and well-being.

Now that you know the hard truth about carving out me time, take solace in the knowledge that it is temporary. Once you get the hang of your small changes, it gets easier and you will also get better at it. Later I will talk about more specific and drastic ways to get your free time back as a SAHM but it all starts with these small steps now.

If you haven’t had the overt conversation with your kids about self-care and how it doesn’t make them selfish, do so. You may be surprised to find how much of your actions they have internalized to their own life blueprint. Then, let them know and, more importantly, see you taking action to improve in this facet of life.

See where I’m linking up!

How to Love Yourself First | Rediscovery Mom Series

Minivan Analogy

Taking an Inventory of Wrongs

Own Your Part

Wrong:

My Responsibility:

Wrong:

My Responsibility:

Note:

Determine Your Own Definition

How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

5 Awesome Podcasts to Inspire Self Discovery

Shailey & Katie’s Lemonade Stand

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

Do It Scared with Ruth Soukup

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

Spiritual-ish

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

Project Life Mastery Podcast

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

Start Here Episode Recommendations:

How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

The Hard Truth About Carving Out Me Time

Eye-Opening Experience

Simple Analogy for Self Care

What Are You Modeling

Carving Out Me Time

Don’t Forget to Pin It!

How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series