Friends and Family Archives

The unfortunate truth about growth is that not everyone has the drive for it. Everyone wants to be better (lose weight, learn a new language, be more patient… you name it) but when it comes to putting in the work necessary: crickets. It’s not easy and I would argue that growth is the number one reason why it’s okay to outgrow relationships.

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Before we go any further I want to clarify. I am talking about relationships with friends, not your spouse or other family members. The reason being is that it is much easier to grow together when 2 people are living together and putting in the work. If you feel that you are outgrowing your spouse, I urge you seek counseling as soon as you notice or feel that way.

Water Drop Relationships

If you look at it like water drops on a surface, each family is a water drop. An individual water drop can change drastically without it really affecting the other drops. For instance, if you add red food coloring to one drop, that doesn’t make the other drops red. However, all of the molecules that make up that one drop of water will eventually be tinted.

Meanwhile, another water drop has blue food coloring placed in it. That doesn’t change the color of the red drop. However, if you try to mix the drops, they will turn purple.

Friendship Evolution

That is how friendships evolve. Your water drop is changing colors and so are all of the molecules inside, ie: your family members. Your friend’s water drop isn’t changing in the same way as yours and if they change too drastically from each other, there aren’t enough commonalities left.

In this situation, it isn’t anyone’s fault so there’s no blame. You have simply both changed in irrevocable ways that you are no longer compatible friends.

Common Reasons Moms Outgrow Relationships

Although no one seems to talk about it, being a mom constantly changes you in ways you never imagined. Because of that, there are some ways that you outgrow relationships more quickly, painfully, and reluctantly than others. Here are 4 common examples:

What You Need When You Needed It

This sounds callous but it doesn’t mean that either person used the other. It simply means that while you were in a particular life phase, emotional phase, or physical phase this friend was exactly what you needed. For example, if you were trying to get fit maybe you found a workout buddy at the gym.

You pushed each other, made healthy food choices, and held each other accountable. Then, you wanted to push further and start body building. You workouts, habits, and accountability are going to change drastically. If your friend doesn’t want to change in the same way and you don’t have other common interests, this can be the end of the relationship.

Parenting Differences

Arguably the most common and easily changed way to outgrow relationships is parenting differences. When your children were babies, this friend took walks with you or you enjoyed play dates together. As you children grow, you start noticing major differences in the way that you parent.

For example, you are just happy when your kid eats a carrot stick with their chicken nuggets and your friend says “fast food” like it’s a dirty word. Another example is if one mom chooses to spank and the other is vehemently against it.

In some cases you may be able to work out the differences. However, when they are drastically different or go against your core beliefs you have likely outgrown it.

Personal Growth

Although not the most common reason for outgrowing relationships, I do believe that personal is the number one example of why it is okay to do so. When you are striving to be better, do better, and achieve more the friends who don’t feel the same way will not be growing and changing with you. Most people don’t want to put in the work, and that’s okay. It is also okay for you to determine that your goals and interests no longer align and choose to let the friendship go.

I love the quote from this article that, “[t]he people that you hang around are the single most important decision that you’ll ever make in your life.” It’s true. If you want to continue growing and improving, the people you spend your time with matter. It is important to choose people whose goals and interests align with your own. You cannot force anyone to grow. If your current circle of friends feels stagnant, or worse, restricting, then it’s a sign you need to move on.

Fundamental Differences

Before kids, you and your friend loved shopping, checking out new restaurants, and exploring new places. Once you both have kids, your friend constantly wants to go to the park or the zoo with the kiddos. You, on the other hand, would much rather play with your kids at home in the backyard. (Or vice-versa) This can become a fundamental difference that changes the friendship. Again, it is not because either of you are bad or there is someone to blame. It is simply a difference between the two of you that cannot be rectified.

The Glass Half Full Side of Outgrowing Relationships

Losing a friend is never easy (unless that friend is truly toxic or unhealthy for you). However, there is an upside to it that can help you through the transition. We all have a finite amount of time in a given day. The mutual loss of a friendship frees up that time to find new people to connect with.

Consider outgrowing relationships an opportunity to push yourself further and meet new people. Surround yourself with people who fit this phase of your life. Find the ones who share your goals and interests. Push each other to be better. What an incredible opportunity!

Now that you know why it’s okay to outgrow relationships, it’s time for the hard part. Take time today to evaluate the relationships in your life and decide if there are any you have outgrown but still try to hold onto. If there are circles in which you don’t feel like you can be yourself, those definitely need to go.

Most will be more subtle, as in the friend who moved across the country and you only text each other occasionally. A great way to evaluate your friendships is to go back to your boundaries work in your journal. Look at where you thought about what you want and expect from your relationships and cut the ones that don’t fit with that.

See where I’m linking up!

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How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

Ah, the people pleasers. Moms sometimes make the best ones because it ingrained in us to take care of others. What we don’t realize it that there is slippery slop between taking care of our family and trying to please everyone. The question becomes how moms can stop being people pleasers.

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Unsurprisingly, people pleasing comes from not having strong boundaries and self identity. You try to please others for the kudos or likability that will come from it. That is how you know that your identity is being defined by others instead of from within.

Stop giving that power to someone else. If you always look to others for validation that you are worthy, lovable, and valuable you will live in a state of perpetual disappointment. If you haven’t already read How to Love Yourself First and How to Set and Protect Boundaries as a Mom, I highly recommend you go back and read them. These concepts all build on top of each other and you can’t solve one without solving the others.

Common People-Pleasing Traits of Moms

There are multiple traits to look out for if you believe you are, or are in danger of becoming, a people pleaser. You can read more about them all here. For the purposes for this article, I want to call attention to a few of the traits and how they manifest specifically for moms.

Apologizing a Lot

This is one we do all too often. We apologize for things that we literally have zero control over. Has your child ever come to you complaining that they don’t feel good? What is your first response? “Oh, honey, I’m sorry.” It is a situation that you didn’t cause and that you are likely even trying to fix for them, but yet we say we’re sorry.

We qualify it in our mind that we’re “sorry they feel that way” but that is not the message we are sending. Try replacing that with, “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?” This still conveys our love and empathy without assigning any ‘blame’. Other common examples include:

I’m sorry we can’t hang out, the kids have soccer games, hubs is working overtime… etcetera etcetera.
I’m sorry I didn’t get the house cleaned today. The kids were being wild and crazy all day long.
I’m sorry we can’t do dinner tonight because it’s a school night.

In all of these examples, does the message not get across if you take out the words, “I’m sorry,”? No. Furthermore, you shouldn’t be sorry. This goes back to maintaining your boundaries. Even if your friends don’t agree with your boundary on not going out to dinner on a school night, they still need to respect it. It is nothing to apologize for.

You Can’t Say No

This is another red flag that moms fall prey to and again, it goes back to boundaries. When you don’t have any boundaries, it feels impossible to say no even when you want to. Here are just a few examples this occurs in mom life:

You agree to attend an event that you don’t want to go to, sometimes making an excuse to not attend later.
You join the PTA because you’re a SAHM and you feel guilty saying no.
A friend asks you to make all of the decorations for their child’s party and you agree even though you don’t want to do it.

All of these examples have one thing in common. You didn’t want to do them. There is nothing wrong with joining the PTA at your child’s school. It’s great but only if you truly want to do it. If you don’t actually have the time or energy, you end up more stressed, drained, and overwhelmed.

The same goes for making birthday decorations. If you love being crafty and doing that kind of stuff for fun (and have the time available to complete it), awesome! If you only agree to it because you ‘feel like you should’ it will have the same damaging effects.

Not Speaking Up When You Feel Hurt

Another trait of people pleasers is that they don’t speak up when they’ve been hurt. That’s because they are not strong enough in their identity to feel valid in their emotions. Your emotions are there for a reason. Love yourself enough to trust in them. Some examples might be:

Your friend criticizes your new makeup even though you love it but you don’t say anything.
Hubs gets an invite to go to a concert with friends and asks to reschedule date night and you say, “Yeah, sure.”

Neither of these incidents need to get turned into a fight but you can still vocalize your feelings. For instance, you can respond to your friend that you love your new look and that it hurts when she criticizes it.

Let your husband know that it makes you feel like you aren’t a priority when he cancels plans with you to hang out with friends. If your friend or husband continue to do these things after you have explicitly stated how they make you feel, then ask yourself, who’s really the jerk in that situation.

Note:

Again, this applies only if you feel hurt and don’t vocalize it. If you don’t care what your friend thinks of your makeup and it’s no skin off your nose, by all means, ignore it. If your husband cancels date night, and you’re like, “Sweet, I can binge watch some Buffy in my sweats,” then no big. It is about knowing yourself and your boundaries well enough to make that distinction.

How Moms Can Stop Being People Pleasers

All of these examples are great, but how do you actually stop being a people pleaser? You start by building the foundation of self esteem and self love that you have lost. That’s where this all builds from. Of course, that’s not the only step but it is arguably the most important. Here are the steps to take to stop being a people pleaser:

Start with Knowing Yourself

I say this a lot because it’s such a good analogy but, calling a minivan a sports car doesn’t make it so. That is the epitome of where you need to get with knowing yourself. (Read How to Love Yourself First)

Set Clear Boundaries and Enforce Them

Once you know and love yourself, it is much easier to set strong boundaries in all areas of your life. (Read How to Set and Protect Boundaries as a Mom)

Learn to Say No With Grace

Learning to say no when you’ve said yes for so long definitely takes practice. That’s why I love Spiritualish podcast episode 14. They give you word for word scripts to use in a myriad of situations. All of them are respectful and clear.

Don’t Give Excuses

First of all, giving excuses tells the other person and your subconscious that you feel you need one. Furthmore, it give people ammo to try and change your mind. “As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person lots of wiggle room to come back and say, ‘Oh, you can do that later,’ ‘You can adjust your schedule’ or ‘That’s not as important as what I’m asking.’” (Source)

It is important for us to learn how moms can stop being people pleasers because it helps us stick to the truth of being caregivers without giving up the power over our identity. It is for you alone to decide your worth, happiness, and value. Instead of being afraid of that, revel in it.

Where else in the universe is somethings value not determined by outside sources? No where. People determine the value of books, food, gemstones, nature, and more but no one determines your value. That can only come from within and when you think about it that way, it’s pretty awesome.

See where I’m linking up!

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Why It’s Okay to Outgrow Relationships

Water Drop Relationships

Friendship Evolution

Common Reasons Moms Outgrow Relationships

What You Need When You Needed It

Parenting Differences

Personal Growth

Fundamental Differences

The Glass Half Full Side of Outgrowing Relationships

How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

How Moms Can Stop Being People Pleasers

Common People-Pleasing Traits of Moms

Apologizing a Lot

You Can’t Say No

Not Speaking Up When You Feel Hurt

Note:

How Moms Can Stop Being People Pleasers

Start with Knowing Yourself

Set Clear Boundaries and Enforce Them

Learn to Say No With Grace

Don’t Give Excuses

How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series