Your days are filled. You have countless chores, errands, and care-giving to attend to constantly. You’re a stay-at-home mom. It’s your job. That’s why this is going to rock your world. It’s the hard truth about carving out me time.

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Carving literally means to cut, whether that be to shape, design, or mold. Here’s the hard truth about carving out me time: It means cutting something else from your day.

When your days are already filled to capacity, making time for yourself inevitably means something else has to go. Luckily, you are the designer of your life so you get to choose where to make cuts.

Eye-Opening Experience

I recently had a conversation with my 9 year old son that totally rocked my world. I made the comment that I didn’t stop at the book store while we were out because he wasn’t feeling well. He then turned to me and said, “You could have gone. I would have dealt with it so you could look at books.”

This led us down a path of discussion about how important it is to take care of yourself before trying to take care of others. I tried using the example that if you consistently put others ahead of yourself, the depletion of your own health and wellness could ultimately lead to getting very sick or even death. His response chilled me:

“Yeah, but you would die being a good person and caring about other people.”

Let that sink in. My son thought that dying to take care of others is noble, even something to aspire to. Do you know why? He believes that because it is exactly what I have modeled for him his entire life. When he sees me giving everything I have everyday and not taking time for me, he believes that is the correct way to live.

Simple Analogy for Self Care

After I picked my jaw off of the floor, I explained to him that I hadn’t been a very good role model. I tried explaining the specific ways in which I’m attempting to be better but he still wasn’t quite getting it. 9 years of internal foundations isn’t easy to let go of. That’s when I switched tactics.

We are both incredibly frugal and financially minded. I used this to my advantage with this example:

Say that you have $800 in your bank account and that is all you have. Your mortgage of $800 is due right now. On the way to the bank to pay it, you meet a charitable organization that says they are $800 away from being able to feed all of the homeless children. Would you pay your mortgage and keep a roof over your family or give the money away to the charity?

Admittedly, that’s an incredibly noble cause. All of the homeless children getting a meal, right? However, do you condemn your own family to do it?

This made sense to him and he immediately agreed that he would pay his mortgage, then figure out another way to help the homeless children.

What Are You Modeling

The quickest way to make a mom open up her eyes is to show her the harmful lessons her children are learning. Are you teaching your children the same that I was? Self-sacrificing everything for your family, friends, and community seems like the “right” thing to do. But when you turn that mirror around and see your children valuing the health and happiness of all other above their own, we can see the true detriment of it.

Luckily, your children still have you making sure that their needs are met on a daily basis. But what happens when they fly the nest and no longer have that? They are going to choose friends and partners that consistently take their energy and their time. These friends and partners may not even start out selfishly taking without giving in return, but your children will train them that it’s okay to treat them that way.

Is that the life you want for your kids? It certainly isn’t what I want for mine.

Carving Out Me Time

To reverse this belief, let your kids see you making your health and well-being a priority on a regular basis. It can be as little as getting up 15 minutes earlier to enjoy a cup of coffee in peace. You can also choose to read a book after dinner alone in your room for 20 minutes while they play.

Yes, in the first example you are carving out some of your sleep time and in the second it might mean staying up later to clean up. That’s where “carving out” comes into play. Something has to go to make room for your self care.

Here’s the best part, though. As you continue to do this, it gets easier. You will be more mindful about scheduling your time and your days to accommodate these small rituals. It is only hard in the interim because you are establishing new routines. More importantly, you are teaching your children the importance of taking care of their health and well-being.

Now that you know the hard truth about carving out me time, take solace in the knowledge that it is temporary. Once you get the hang of your small changes, it gets easier and you will also get better at it. Later I will talk about more specific and drastic ways to get your free time back as a SAHM but it all starts with these small steps now.

If you haven’t had the overt conversation with your kids about self-care and how it doesn’t make them selfish, do so. You may be surprised to find how much of your actions they have internalized to their own life blueprint. Then, let them know and, more importantly, see you taking action to improve in this facet of life.

See where I’m linking up!

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How to Rediscover Yourself After Marriage and Motherhood Series

If you remember your Psychology 101 class from college, you may have heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Even though it’s not perfect, the Hierarchy of Needs provides a nice visually blueprint for self care and improvement. Create your SAHM hierarchy of needs with the tips below to set yourself up for further rediscovery.

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Because this is such a personalized theory, use the ideas below as guidelines to discover your hierarchy of needs. Be sure to ready about the extended and updated Hierarchy of Needs at the bottom of this post on Simply Psychology. It is full of great examples to help guide you.

What is the Hierarchy of Needs

The Hierarchy of Needs is a psychology theory developed by Maslow. It is a pyramid of needs each person has that builds on itself. Above is an example of the Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. There is an interesting thing about the bottom 4 tiers, called deficiency needs. When you are deficient in them, you are automatically motivated to meet them. Self actualization, on the other hand, is a growth need and you are more motivated to reach it as you start seeing growth.

Maslow continued to update his theory for 30+ years. “Maslow noted that the order of needs might be flexible based on external circumstances or individual differences. For example, he notes that for some individuals, the need for self-esteem is more important than the need for love. For others, the need for creative fulfillment may supersede even the most basic needs.” (Read more at Simply Psychology)

SAHM Hierarchy of Needs

The stay-at-home mom hierarchy of needs is a little different because it gets at the heart of what we’re doing with the rediscovery of yourself after marriage and motherhood. Namely, the esteem and love/belonging tiers are switched. It holds with the belief that you cannot have truly meaningful relationships without loving and caring for yourself first.

If you don’t fulfill this need first, you can find yourself in the wrong relationships and groups later on. Don’t worry, we’ll cover outgrowing relationships later in the series. Until then, focus on taking care of the relationship with yourself.

How to Use the SAHM Hierarchy of Needs

Use the SAHM hierarchy of needs as a blueprint for healthy living. We are going to focus on the esteem need because that is where most moms have lost their way. Specifically, how “dignity, achievement, and independence” (Simply Psychology) apply to stay-at-home moms.

Independence

While you might be financially dependent on your husband, there are many other areas in which you can and should find independence. This includes having hobbies and friends of your own. It also means taking responsibility of your emotions. This is a trap that moms can fall into. Your kids are being crazy all day then your husband comes home in a bad mood. Suddenly you find yourself grumpy and grouchy for the rest of the evening.

Instead, own your emotions. Allow yourself to be frustrated by the day but then move on and turn it around. Actively seek out hobbies that you do alone. Catch up with friends without your husband sometimes. These are the ways that you reclaim your independence.

Dignity

Dignity comes in many forms all of which inevitably lead back to knowing yourself. Don’t get caught in the habit of always complaining about life, yourself, or others in your conversations. Focus on the positive aspects your life and relationships. Read more about dignity here.

Your attitude, actions, and integrity all contribute to developing dignity.

Achievement

Achievement is a wonderful motivator for other areas of your life. Because of this I recommend taking some time to write some of your achievements in your journal. These achievements can be big or small. For example, saving your family money by creating and sticking to a meal plan is an awesome achievement. Equally, taking 20 minutes yesterday to take a bath and read a book is also an achievement.

Once you’ve done that, think about some other things you would like to achieve. Again, these can be as big or as small as you want. Maybe you want to finally learn a new language or lose that extra 10 pounds (or 50 if you’re like me). Whatever it is, working towards the achievement is the perfect way to focus on yourself in a constructive and helpful way.

After you create your SAHM hierarchy of needs, refer back to it often to ensure that you are working towards fulfilling your esteem need and, later, fulfilling your love/belonging need. Tomorrow we’ll talk about The Hard Truth About Carving Out Me Time. It’s the next step to taking time for yourself on your journey of rediscovery.

See where I’m linking up!

Delectably Easy Soup Recipes for Fall

Cream of Carrot Soup (Simply Stacie)

Creamy Chicken Poblano Soup (Food Fun Family)

Crock Pot Chicken Wild Rice Soup (Flour on My Face)

Easy Sweet Potato Soup (Organized Island)

Chicken Sausage Kale White Bean Soup (Julie’s Creative Lifestyle)

Slow Cooker Chicken Noodle Soup (The Simple Parent)

Slow Cooker Ham and Potato Soup (CincyShopper)

Instant Pot Chicken Florentine Soup Recipe (Must Have Mom)

Sausage and Lentil Soup (The Dedicated House)

Creamy Pumpkin Soup (Clean and Scentsible)

Pumpkin Bisque (Pink Fortitude)